Do you mirror your friends?

Do you mirror your friends?

Over my lifetime I have had friends that dressed the same, act the same, and dated the same kind of people. Some of these people were doing this because maybe they felt that they wouldn't fit in if they didn't.  I never really fit in, so I didn't care to dress the way they dress, or talk the way they talk, and I definitely, didn't want the same kind of boyfriends that they had.  

My friends who did this even shared some of the negative aspects of their friends' lives.  One person, in particular, had gotten pregnant as a teen because her friend did, and she wanted to be a teen mom just like her.  

The problem with this is the fact that the friend (the leader) had a very supportive mom who helped her throughout her pregnancy but the friend who mirrored her friend ended up without any support. 

Her mom was a single parent and she had four kids.  She didn't want her daughter to turn out like her.  She didn't have enough money to have another mouth to feed.  She had warned her daughter many times that she would end up homeless if she became pregnant or if she became incarcerated. 

She didn't realize that her daughter didn't love herself.  Her daughter was actually a very smart young lady, but she had fallen because of peer pressure and because she didn't feel good about herself.  

Her daughter ended up in a shelter for unwed mothers (that is what it was called at that time).  What seemed like a fate that you would not wish on your worst enemy ended up becoming a blessing in disguise.  

She had a lot of services at her fingertips.  She was able to get a trade and have parenting classes, and she started mirroring the positive people who were in her life. 

What started as a negative trait ended up saving her life.  She was able to get a great job, put her child in great schools, and worked on her self-esteem.  You see, that was the main reason why she ended up as a single mom. 

She started counseling to see how and why she felt very low about herself.  My friend totally changed her life around. The moral of this story is for you to surround yourself with people who are doing great things in their life and also learn to love yourself. 

 There was a time when I didn't love myself but I had to reach inside myself to find out about all the great things that I had to offer the world.  I also spent a lot of time alone and I began to love myself.  I started to educate myself quietly so I didn't have to deal with the negative opinions of others. 

I don't care what your life looks like at this time.  You may not have the same things that your friends have. You may live in the inner city and don't have much support.  Start researching different services in your local library and places like The Urban League to see whether they have free classes or groups for someone like you.

Try not to mirror anyone.  Be yourself and work on yourself.  You do not have to be in competition with other people.  You are great!  With a positive outlook, you are going to do great things in your life.

How do you come to terms with a failed relationship?

How do you come to terms with a failed relationship?

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Rarely do relationships start out on a bad footing, but if you can think back you can see little signs that you disregarded.  Like, he was very attentive to your appearance.  He told you that you were beautiful every chance that he got.

He took you around all of his friends, bragged about all of your accomplishments, and took you to beautiful restaurants every weekend.

Then one day you spoke to him, and he wouldn't even look you in the eye.  You told him that you wanted to go and see the latest movie and he growled at you and said "No."   You called your best friend, and you told her that he was acting differently in the relationship.  He was very distant.  She wanted to know the details and when all of this started.  You said, "it started a month ago."

The last straw was when you were going to your friend's wedding, and you told him that he had to go shopping to get a new suit. He flatly refused and said (I am not going).   In the end, he ended up going, but he acted like you didn't exist.    He told you that you looked fat and horrible in your new dress. Looked at every woman that he saw and complimented her on her outfit and hairdo.    You then asked yourself what did you do wrong.

Well, you weren't responsible for his actions but you disregarded your own feelings and your intuition.  This man lost respect for you, and he felt that he had a right to dismiss you and treat you any kind of way.

He went from complimenting you to disrespecting you.  It sounds like he felt that you were going to put up with it, and you did.

There were times that your friends told you that this person acted like he didn't want to be with you, and you made all sorts of excuses for him.  You said that he was very tired from work, and It cost too much for him to take you out.  You even convinced yourself that you had gained weight, and that is the reason he was no longer interested.

Everybody noticed that he wouldn't look at you when you were talking.  All the signs were there.  Many times we put up with this kind of treatment because it is a learned behavior from our parents.  You are beautiful and worthy, but you don't see yourself as being worthy and enough.  When a man is acting in this manner, it usually means that he found someone else, which means that you have to let him go.  He isn't going to change. 

I encourage you to get counseling and read some self-help and relationship books.  They are very helpful.  I highly recommend this one.  This is what I did to change my life from being a victim.  Love yourself, make yourself happy, and then the right person will come along. 

Learn how to love again

 

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Finding love after being single for a long time is really difficult.  Trying to date during the pandemic is very hard.  It was a time when you didn't feel comfortable meeting someone because you didn't know whether it was even safe because you didn't know whether they had the virus or not.  

A lot of people were very lonely at this time so they decided to meet people online and some didn't even meet in person.  After being single for so long the thought of dating again has crossed my mind.   I have been reading a lot of self-help books and looking at a lot of videos.  This was very helpful when I was out of an extremely abusive marriage over thirty years ago.  

These books taught me a lot about red flags that I should pay attention to. It helped me to not get hurt again.  I am preparing myself at this time for the possibility of getting back out there and trying again. 

There are also online dating apps that could be helpful just make sure that you remain anonymous and also do online research on a possible suitor. 

Love is possible but you have to really be emotionally ready for it. Try to deal with any baggage that you have from a prior relationship. Learning how to love again after a very long marriage or after your spouse has passed away can be so hard and draining but you can take the steps to learn how.  

Get involved online in community events.  Even Facebook groups can be helpful for you to meet new people.  Books on love can be helpful because there is no judgment there.  You can put anything that you have learned into practice right away.

A Good Relationship Is Canceled

We met at a cafe in Macon, Georgia.  He was very tall, and handsome, he was dressed nicely and he smelled so good. I was in the line and there were some flower pots and as I picked one up and started smelling them he said "hello, my name is George" and he said, "what is  your name?"  I told him that my name is Diane.  He asked me if I was married and I said no.  

George told me that he could tell that I was from somewhere else, and I proceeded to tell him that I was from Pennsylvania.  He said that he was originally from North Carolina. He then asked for my phone number and we had the best conversations. I told George that I was thinking about relocating to Georgia, and he was very excited that I would be living closer to his location.  

After one year, I moved to Georgia and our relationship really took off in the right direction.  George was kind and gentle. He was the kind of man that I always wanted.  Quiet and very easy going. We got married a year later and everything was perfect. 

 In 2011 we had our first child and then two years later, we had another. George did not want me to work outside of the home.  I told him that I would wait until the kids were in middle school and then I would return back to work. I had my own career so I really didn't want to let it go.

There was never any infidelity in our marriage until two years ago. I started to get the phone calls where someone would hang on the phone and no one would say anything. 

He started to not hold any long conversations with me. George was so distant it really started to worry me.  It seemed like I couldn't please him in no kind of way.  I notice that some of the bills were past due.  This never happened, so I thought that he could be using drugs. 

 It came out that it wasn't drugs, but it was another woman.  She actually worked at my kid's school about two blocks from my home.

This man that was perfect in every way had started to turn into a stranger.  I had to figure out what my exit plan was, and I looked into returning back to Pennsylvania or another state. 

I put a lot into my marriage and now I have to start all over again.  The moral of this story is never put your total trust and life into the hands of a person because people change. Being dependent on George was easy because he was a great provider until he started stepping out of our marriage.

George has three kids with this woman, and he is still a great father to our children. He seems so much happier now that we are no longer together.  He hasn't remarried yet but I think he will in the future. His girlfriend is very demanding and she doesn't fall for any of his bullcrap. He definitely has met his match.

I am now divorced and I have moved on.  I am also older, and I wish that I had left him earlier because when I think about it, there were very small red flags that I didn't pay attention to. He always said that he was going to his friend's house on Sunday.  Huh, the friend turned out to be his mistress.  Keep your eyes open ladies!

Sometimes a man may want out of your marriage or relationship but he will not tell you.  The ball is in your court to decide whether you want to continue to let him play you or are you going to be strong and choose you and your kids so you can move forward in your life.

* This is a short but true story. I changed the names of everyone involved and the locations to keep this person  and details anonymous.

Are You Ready To Date A Man With Six Kids By Six Different Women?

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Today I was having a conversation with someone and they asked me whether or not I would date a man with six kids by six different women.  Right away I said no but this may not apply to all people.

I am a mother of one, so I cannot even fathom that I could date anyone with three or more kids.  Six kids are a lot but there are some single moms or mothers who have lost a spouse and they have four or more kids themselves.  

They always wanted a big family but they have become a single mom not by choice but things that happened in their life that made them a single mom.

I started to think out of the box and realized that maybe this could work if this man is serious about spending his life with this woman, and they will raise all of their kids together.

If this man is supporting all of his children financially and emotionally, this could be a relationship that could actually work.

I would not suggest that a single woman without any children put herself in this situation because she would have to deal with multiple moms and this could be one, big, headache.

I advise all women to read self-help books and talk to experienced counselors to get a clearer perspective on relationships to avoid pitfalls and red flags in relationships.  

Most women should not put themselves in this kind of arrangement but should a mother who has multiple kids not have a chance for a relationship because she has a lot of kids.  No, but honestly, the chances are very low that a man will want to take on the challenge of living with or marrying a woman with a lot of kids.

I have seen and heard of cases where some men without children have done this, but it isn't a normal scenario.

Sometimes people find themselves at a time in their life when they will start to settle down, and they have made some mistakes in their life, but now they are changing for the better.  

In a scenario like this, counseling would really be advisable to see if each person is ready to undertake a relationship that could be stressful with so many kids in the picture.

But if they always wanted a big family, this could be a relationship that could work.

What Do You Want In Your Relationship? What Are You Looking For? The Definitive Guide

 

Sometimes we think about getting into a new relationship but do we really think about all of the things that we really want.

  We check out the reviews when buying a new product.  We check out reviews on a potential doctor but so many times we jump headfirst into a relationship without doing a checklist of all the things that we would like for our relationship to have.

I actually would recommend that you make a spreadsheet with the traits of your ideal mate.  

I have a lot of things that I like about men and that is tall men, men who are quiet, and men who have a good sense of humor which is a plus.  He must be a gentle giant and generous.  So I wouldn't mesh well with a man who is loud and self-centered.

I know that this is a little extreme but it is worth it.  You should know what you like to do for entertainment and some of the things that you would enjoy with your new relationship.

If you would like a man or woman to dress a certain way, including that on your spreadsheet.  If you like your person to be religious or not, then that would go on the list.

You will always have some surprises because nobody is perfect, but I had someone tell me that they hated when their boyfriend would wear white tees on his day off from work.

 I asked this person whether she checked out what he was wearing at the beginning of their relationship, and she said that he would show up at her house with a white tee, so I wondered why she was "surprised" that he was still doing this.

Honestly, he didn't have a problem, she did!

This seems like something that is trivial but it can cause silly arguments.  Some men do not like wigs or hair weaves, and if they feel this way, they should not date someone and expect them to change when the relationship gets more serious.

If you like a hard-working man or woman, then don't date anyone who is barely working even if you think that they are cute.

Seriously think about whether or not you could date someone with ongoing, chronic health conditions and be completely honest with yourself. If you are chronically ill, make sure that you disclose this with the other person so there are no surprises.  This is very important!

If someone tells you that they are not ready for a serious relationship and you are ready, then it is time to stop seeing this person if your goal is a long-term relationship or marriage.  This keeps you from wasting your precious time.

Be honest with yourself because life is short to live with regrets. Never think that you can fix someone because they may not feel like they are broken.

The Truth Behind Dating An Unmotivated Man

 The Truth Behind Dating An Unmotivated Man

Hello Ladies, today we are going to talk about what happens when you date an unmotivated man.

So, you went to your local corner store to buy some gum and some water, and as you approach the door someone says "hello, how are you doing today" you start to not speak but you think to yourself "he seems harmless."  You go into the store and you see him peeking through the window and he waves at you.

You pay for your items, and as you are leaving the store he says "you are so beautiful, can I have your number?" You know that you don't really want to entertain this man, but you give him your phone number. You drive about three blocks, and he is calling your phone.  You answer and you tell him that you are on your way to work, and you tell him that you will call or text him later.

When you come in from work you call him, and he is very kind and has the gift of gab.  You love his voice.  He tells you that he is an artist and is the "Jack of all trades."

You ask him about his job, and he says that he just got laid off because his job eliminated his position because of the pandemic.

He says that he is actively searching for work, but in the meanwhile, he sells his paintings.

You start to like this guy and the next month, he tells you that he is losing his apartment, and he has nowhere to go.  Before you know it, he is moving into your place.

You tell him that you are going to support him while he is looking for a job.  Fast forward to four months, he is eating your food playing video games all day, and doing a painting about twice a month.

You ask him "why aren't you looking for a job," he says "I don't have the right clothes and all of the jobs are too far for me to travel."
 You tell him that he can get a job online, and he then claims that he doesn't really know how to work a computer even though you know he can.

You start to notice that he has an excuse for everything.  You find evidence that he is on dating sites texting and meeting women while you are at work.  You confront him, and he swears that he is going to change.  Fast forward to a year, he is still playing video games, eating up all of your food, you just find out that you are pregnant, and you are still the breadwinner in this relationship.

The point I am getting at in this post is you knew when you went into that store that this man didn't have anything going on in his life, or he wouldn't have been just standing in front of the store.

You let him sweet talk you into letting him into your life.  You have this fantasy that you can fix this man and change him into the man that you want him to be.

Ladies, a whole man doesn't need any fixing, he will have a career, car, his own home or apartment and he will not need your assistance for anything.  

Some of these men are unmotivated because you ignored the red flags right away in the relationship. They were always there, but your need and thirst for companionship blinded your common sense.

This man isn't going to ever help you and you need to remove him from your home as soon as possible.  Now you are pregnant without any support and it is your own fault.

Distance yourself from any man who doesn't have his life together, and you will prevent yourself from having a lifetime of pain.