What is the best thing that you did for yourself this year?

What is the best thing that you did for yourself this year?

It took me a while to fully invest in myself.  This year, I made it my business to invest in my peace of mind.  I spent more money investing in my brand.  Trying to promote yourself is not easy because blogging is really over saturated. 

 I took the time to research what my audience like and I also took some quiet time to just focus on the things that I love and to rest.   Social media can be taxing on your body and your mind. 

 You try to support a lot of people and next thing you know, your day is totally gone.  I had to start doing what I required for myself.  Supporting myself became a big priority.

Updating my equipment to be a better creator is a must for me.  As I get older I want some of my content to concentrate on women who are in my age group because we are often ignored. 

 My biggest viewers of my blog and my YouTube channel are women 25-45 which is very surprising to me.  I love that they like my content without judging me because of my age.

It took me a long time to grow on both platforms and I am still not that popular but I am seeing a lot of growth from last year till now.  I think it is because I have become even more authentic.  

The best thing that I did for myself this year was to embrace every part of me and to know that I deserve the best.  That means for me to embrace my flaws and all.

I am going to be more consistent on my platforms and to share more of my life.  I appreciate you all for being here and supporting my content.  It means so much to me.

Family estrangements and how to cope with them

Family estrangements and how to cope with them

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Estrangements are one of the subjects that no one wants to talk about.  Most of the time we sweep things under the rug and just hope that they will magically go away.  It is something that should be talked about because it happens to so many of us.

Sometimes people decide to stop talking to their good friends and family because a lot of things happened such as abuse, alienation, being mean and not hearing people, being judgmental and etc.

But sometimes it comes from people using this tactic to try to control their friends or family. People have the right to protect their sanity and their family but there is the narcissist who uses it to come into people's lives and then abruptly leave for no reason at all.  Then they will come back and do the same thing.

You often wonder what did I say, what happened.  You cannot remember what you did and you come to the conclusion that you haven't done anything.  Some people have an abusive personality and they want to abuse you and gaslight you in a way where you are constantly wondering what happened.

I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist but I refuse to put up with such nonsense from a friend or family.  Get counseling and also read some self-help books to heal from this emotional abuse because that is what it is.  Never allow someone to do this to you.  It is quite painful emotionally.

Life is too short. Keep people in your life who add to your life in a positive way. Sometimes people are not going to care about you and you have to be honest with yourself regarding this.  Do not let anyone use you as their whipping board.

Do you mirror your friends?

Do you mirror your friends?

Over my lifetime I have had friends that dressed the same, act the same, and dated the same kind of people. Some of these people were doing this because maybe they felt that they wouldn't fit in if they didn't.  I never really fit in, so I didn't care to dress the way they dress, or talk the way they talk, and I definitely, didn't want the same kind of boyfriends that they had.  

My friends who did this even shared some of the negative aspects of their friends' lives.  One person, in particular, had gotten pregnant as a teen because her friend did, and she wanted to be a teen mom just like her.  

The problem with this is the fact that the friend (the leader) had a very supportive mom who helped her throughout her pregnancy but the friend who mirrored her friend ended up without any support. 

Her mom was a single parent and she had four kids.  She didn't want her daughter to turn out like her.  She didn't have enough money to have another mouth to feed.  She had warned her daughter many times that she would end up homeless if she became pregnant or if she became incarcerated. 

She didn't realize that her daughter didn't love herself.  Her daughter was actually a very smart young lady, but she had fallen because of peer pressure and because she didn't feel good about herself.  

Her daughter ended up in a shelter for unwed mothers (that is what it was called at that time).  What seemed like a fate that you would not wish on your worst enemy ended up becoming a blessing in disguise.  

She had a lot of services at her fingertips.  She was able to get a trade and have parenting classes, and she started mirroring the positive people who were in her life. 

What started as a negative trait ended up saving her life.  She was able to get a great job, put her child in great schools, and worked on her self-esteem.  You see, that was the main reason why she ended up as a single mom. 

She started counseling to see how and why she felt very low about herself.  My friend totally changed her life around. The moral of this story is for you to surround yourself with people who are doing great things in their life and also learn to love yourself. 

 There was a time when I didn't love myself but I had to reach inside myself to find out about all the great things that I had to offer the world.  I also spent a lot of time alone and I began to love myself.  I started to educate myself quietly so I didn't have to deal with the negative opinions of others. 

I don't care what your life looks like at this time.  You may not have the same things that your friends have. You may live in the inner city and don't have much support.  Start researching different services in your local library and places like The Urban League to see whether they have free classes or groups for someone like you.

Try not to mirror anyone.  Be yourself and work on yourself.  You do not have to be in competition with other people.  You are great!  With a positive outlook, you are going to do great things in your life.

How do you come to terms with a failed relationship?

How do you come to terms with a failed relationship?

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Rarely do relationships start out on a bad footing, but if you can think back you can see little signs that you disregarded.  Like, he was very attentive to your appearance.  He told you that you were beautiful every chance that he got.

He took you around all of his friends, bragged about all of your accomplishments, and took you to beautiful restaurants every weekend.

Then one day you spoke to him, and he wouldn't even look you in the eye.  You told him that you wanted to go and see the latest movie and he growled at you and said "No."   You called your best friend, and you told her that he was acting differently in the relationship.  He was very distant.  She wanted to know the details and when all of this started.  You said, "it started a month ago."

The last straw was when you were going to your friend's wedding, and you told him that he had to go shopping to get a new suit. He flatly refused and said (I am not going).   In the end, he ended up going, but he acted like you didn't exist.    He told you that you looked fat and horrible in your new dress. Looked at every woman that he saw and complimented her on her outfit and hairdo.    You then asked yourself what did you do wrong.

Well, you weren't responsible for his actions but you disregarded your own feelings and your intuition.  This man lost respect for you, and he felt that he had a right to dismiss you and treat you any kind of way.

He went from complimenting you to disrespecting you.  It sounds like he felt that you were going to put up with it, and you did.

There were times that your friends told you that this person acted like he didn't want to be with you, and you made all sorts of excuses for him.  You said that he was very tired from work, and It cost too much for him to take you out.  You even convinced yourself that you had gained weight, and that is the reason he was no longer interested.

Everybody noticed that he wouldn't look at you when you were talking.  All the signs were there.  Many times we put up with this kind of treatment because it is a learned behavior from our parents.  You are beautiful and worthy, but you don't see yourself as being worthy and enough.  When a man is acting in this manner, it usually means that he found someone else, which means that you have to let him go.  He isn't going to change. 

I encourage you to get counseling and read some self-help and relationship books.  They are very helpful.  I highly recommend this one.  This is what I did to change my life from being a victim.  Love yourself, make yourself happy, and then the right person will come along. 

Learn how to love again

 

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Finding love after being single for a long time is really difficult.  Trying to date during the pandemic is very hard.  It was a time when you didn't feel comfortable meeting someone because you didn't know whether it was even safe because you didn't know whether they had the virus or not.  

A lot of people were very lonely at this time so they decided to meet people online and some didn't even meet in person.  After being single for so long the thought of dating again has crossed my mind.   I have been reading a lot of self-help books and looking at a lot of videos.  This was very helpful when I was out of an extremely abusive marriage over thirty years ago.  

These books taught me a lot about red flags that I should pay attention to. It helped me to not get hurt again.  I am preparing myself at this time for the possibility of getting back out there and trying again. 

There are also online dating apps that could be helpful just make sure that you remain anonymous and also do online research on a possible suitor. 

Love is possible but you have to really be emotionally ready for it. Try to deal with any baggage that you have from a prior relationship. Learning how to love again after a very long marriage or after your spouse has passed away can be so hard and draining but you can take the steps to learn how.  

Get involved online in community events.  Even Facebook groups can be helpful for you to meet new people.  Books on love can be helpful because there is no judgment there.  You can put anything that you have learned into practice right away.

A Good Relationship Is Canceled

We met at a cafe in Macon, Georgia.  He was very tall, and handsome, he was dressed nicely and he smelled so good. I was in the line and there were some flower pots and as I picked one up and started smelling them he said "hello, my name is George" and he said, "what is  your name?"  I told him that my name is Diane.  He asked me if I was married and I said no.  

George told me that he could tell that I was from somewhere else, and I proceeded to tell him that I was from Pennsylvania.  He said that he was originally from North Carolina. He then asked for my phone number and we had the best conversations. I told George that I was thinking about relocating to Georgia, and he was very excited that I would be living closer to his location.  

After one year, I moved to Georgia and our relationship really took off in the right direction.  George was kind and gentle. He was the kind of man that I always wanted.  Quiet and very easy going. We got married a year later and everything was perfect. 

 In 2011 we had our first child and then two years later, we had another. George did not want me to work outside of the home.  I told him that I would wait until the kids were in middle school and then I would return back to work. I had my own career so I really didn't want to let it go.

There was never any infidelity in our marriage until two years ago. I started to get the phone calls where someone would hang on the phone and no one would say anything. 

He started to not hold any long conversations with me. George was so distant it really started to worry me.  It seemed like I couldn't please him in no kind of way.  I notice that some of the bills were past due.  This never happened, so I thought that he could be using drugs. 

 It came out that it wasn't drugs, but it was another woman.  She actually worked at my kid's school about two blocks from my home.

This man that was perfect in every way had started to turn into a stranger.  I had to figure out what my exit plan was, and I looked into returning back to Pennsylvania or another state. 

I put a lot into my marriage and now I have to start all over again.  The moral of this story is never put your total trust and life into the hands of a person because people change. Being dependent on George was easy because he was a great provider until he started stepping out of our marriage.

George has three kids with this woman, and he is still a great father to our children. He seems so much happier now that we are no longer together.  He hasn't remarried yet but I think he will in the future. His girlfriend is very demanding and she doesn't fall for any of his bullcrap. He definitely has met his match.

I am now divorced and I have moved on.  I am also older, and I wish that I had left him earlier because when I think about it, there were very small red flags that I didn't pay attention to. He always said that he was going to his friend's house on Sunday.  Huh, the friend turned out to be his mistress.  Keep your eyes open ladies!

Sometimes a man may want out of your marriage or relationship but he will not tell you.  The ball is in your court to decide whether you want to continue to let him play you or are you going to be strong and choose you and your kids so you can move forward in your life.

* This is a short but true story. I changed the names of everyone involved and the locations to keep this person  and details anonymous.

Are You Ready To Date A Man With Six Kids By Six Different Women?

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Today I was having a conversation with someone and they asked me whether or not I would date a man with six kids by six different women.  Right away I said no but this may not apply to all people.

I am a mother of one, so I cannot even fathom that I could date anyone with three or more kids.  Six kids are a lot but there are some single moms or mothers who have lost a spouse and they have four or more kids themselves.  

They always wanted a big family but they have become a single mom not by choice but things that happened in their life that made them a single mom.

I started to think out of the box and realized that maybe this could work if this man is serious about spending his life with this woman, and they will raise all of their kids together.

If this man is supporting all of his children financially and emotionally, this could be a relationship that could actually work.

I would not suggest that a single woman without any children put herself in this situation because she would have to deal with multiple moms and this could be one, big, headache.

I advise all women to read self-help books and talk to experienced counselors to get a clearer perspective on relationships to avoid pitfalls and red flags in relationships.  

Most women should not put themselves in this kind of arrangement but should a mother who has multiple kids not have a chance for a relationship because she has a lot of kids.  No, but honestly, the chances are very low that a man will want to take on the challenge of living with or marrying a woman with a lot of kids.

I have seen and heard of cases where some men without children have done this, but it isn't a normal scenario.

Sometimes people find themselves at a time in their life when they will start to settle down, and they have made some mistakes in their life, but now they are changing for the better.  

In a scenario like this, counseling would really be advisable to see if each person is ready to undertake a relationship that could be stressful with so many kids in the picture.

But if they always wanted a big family, this could be a relationship that could work.